I have some stuff to get of my chest tonight. Today I went back to the doctor yet again to determine why I am falling apart at the seams. With yet another questionaire I found out I am more depressed than this time last year and this is after medication and counselling and weight loss. Where the hell am I going wrong? And I wondered why I couldn’t work on my preseason tasks. Seriously what has been holding me back. And then tonight I write in response to if 12wbt is a group or individual event:
Well there you go! I have missed quite a bit of workout to support others because PiP (Pain in Paradise Bootcamp) became the place I did that. I loved supporting [newbies], it made me feel whole. As for paying it forward, I do that everyday to my kids and family and friends. I dont need to sign up to do that. So why do I sign up? Because despite all the posts, all the workouts, all the encouragement, I still get lost and feel like shit and wonder if I can do it. In signing up I force myself to face the stuff that holds me back. The stuff that keeps me going is helping others. I love that people recognise that initial bit of assistance because then everyone takes off and soars. I wonder if I will ever soar myself but if not, at least I saw you all do it and I was a part of that. Very cool. JFDI (Just Fucking Do It) is a vicious thing to say to someone else but a great motto to motivate yourself by. It is something I am glad I am reminded of.
And then there was the questionaire this morning which asked stuff like do I love myself and do I think I am attractive. And the answer to both is NO. I am 46, I dont feel sexy and, at my age, I dont think I am going to. There is a lot of irony in that statement since I object so strongly to the use of the words ‘at your age’. I do feel kind of screwed up. Worse is that I know I do not love myself. I like who I am but I dont love me, not enough to want my body to reflect the image I have dreamed up for it. I look at others tummies, abs even, and I know that I want to have a smaller stomach. I really really want that smaller tummy. It was the reason I started, to get a waist line that wouldn’t kill me early.
Yesterday I posted the comment “If you are scared of failing do you bother trying?” on facebook and not a soul said a thing to see what the hell had brought that comment on. With over 300 contacts I should have thought one might of cared. I still am feeling like that. I am scared to get started on 12wbt and am already sabotaging because I am scared of failing.
I was talking to the kids about how they can stay a healthy size (we had been watching Biggest Loser) and one said ‘eat vegetables’ and one said ‘exercise’ and one said ‘love yourself’. Well I eat vegetables, I exercise but I dont love myself, I dont feel like I deserve anything, I feel guility about just about everything and I eat a lot of chocolate! It doesn’t make me feel better to eat chocolate, in fact I get quite a sick feeling but I do it because then I have an excuse not to succeed.
Depression sucks, not being able to find my way out of this hole is killing me. Now that I have let this out it is time for me to truly look at my preseason tasks and get my head in the 12wbt game. I can come back from here.
