I am an emotional eater

Holy friggin cow I can pack away the food when I feel like shit.  I am one of those people who eat because someone upset me and they deserve it.  Yes, you heard it right!  I eat because someone else deserves it!  I also eat rubbish because I think it will make me feel loved.  Like when did food ever love me?  I am fucked in the head!

Of course I put on weight this week so I ate, I punished myself with food.  I do reward myself with food but not as often as I punish myself with food.  The old “it wont make any difference because i will fail anyway” holds me back year after year, program after program.  Man I am so tired of fighting me.

Persistent, uncompromising, nonstopping stress!  I feel it every minute of every day (exageration a bit) and sometimes I can slow myself down if I think about it and I really try.  When I am slow and breathing (or fast and running) I dont think food.  I have to force myself not to think about it.  That is just weird.

I wonder if I have enough time to do a food journal (oooh maybe I could blog a food journal??? boring much?) still it would be insightful to find out how I am feeling when I am about to consume four apples pies (low fat of course and bloody delicious but I never did look at the darn calories, I just wanted the apple sweetness in my mouth).  Anyways the journal will help me to get on track as to what my triggers are and maybe I will actually be a bit more mindful about why and what I am eating!

Pretty much my cupboards and fridge is filled with healthy foods.  Today, sure I went and purposely bought apple pies but that is not something I plan on doing again.  I reckon it is time to work out how to cook an apple with cinamon in the microwave to fulfil that need I have for cooked apple.  I love that stuff, always have.  Not sure how many apples you could eat before  it is considered too many.  I reckon I could eat cooked apple all darn day.

And the other thing I have to do is be more consistent with the snacks, timing and having them there ready.  The other day I didn’t have my snack and I was wandering around the office wondering what I should eat.  A colleague was eating a bag of chips and she said it didn’t fill her, satisfy her or make her feel good and she regretted it.  I had eaten a darn macedamia cookie which was half my calorie intake for the day and did not satisfy me, had hardly any flavour and was a waste of space.  Snacking is one of my downfalls and I need to get my shit together.

So, in the spirit of Michelle Bridges season 2 2012 warm up tasks I am keeping a food journal.  I need to organise my snacks more consistently so I dont slip up.  AND I shall figure out how to fulfil my apple cravings without eating pies, slices and/or muffins. 

Right, my plan for the week is set.  Cant wait to see what the results are.  I am going to track this eating like it is a challenging behaviour, I will work out the whens, wheres and who withs.  Yeah baby I am liking this new plan.

What kind of eater are you?

PS. feeling massively sick from all the sweet shit today.  I found lollies as well, oh and did I mention the gooey caramel cheesecake at Coffee Club!  I gotta find a better way.

I’ve done my sentence But committed no crime

You know often I find that I am inspired by the music I listen to.  Whether it is to write a piece for my work newsletter, writing a training session or when working out, music touches and inspires me.  It is a genuine artistic impression which conjures feelings you often didn’t know you had.

This morning, after a massive session at Zenergy with the lovely 12wbt girls and breakfast with the special few, I headed to my local gym, Goodlife at Carseldine.  I was listening to my ipod as usual.  I have a lovely selected playlist for my running which is mainly AC/DC with a few other random lovelies thrown in.  It keeps me going, I find I smile listening to the music and find my feet running to the rythym.  I am rarely happier than when the music and the running is in sync with how I feel.  Hit the music, roll the treadmill and imagine a woman who has long suffered from depression and the music plays:

I’ve paid my dues -
Time after time -
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime -   (oh yeah baby still wondering what all the fuss was about????? and why my family denied me for years right up to their deaths and beyond)

And bad mistakes
I’ve made a few  (of course I did, who hasn’t, no one is perfect, seriously what happened to compassion)
I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face –
But I’ve come through   (why yes I have and I am running free)

We are the champions – my friends
And we’ll keep on fighting – till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers   (cause we are not going to give up on ourselves or into ourselves, we are strong, make no mistake)
‘Cause we are the champions – of the world

I’ve taken my bows
And my curtain calls -
You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it -
I thank you all -  (this to Michelle Bridges and my 12wbt buddies)

But it’s been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise – (certainly has not, been bloody hard work actually)          I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I ain’t gonna lose -  (no I dont want to lose anymore time, I want to reclaim my life)

We are the champions – my friends
And we’ll keep on fighting – till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
‘Cause we are the champions – of the world

And there it is, my life in a song.  My depression, my pain, all there but my will to keep going grows stronger thanks to the friends I have made, thanks to 12wbt, thanks to Michelle Bridges and thanks to my husband and children.

Life is pretty good sometimes, you just need to know where to look.  When I look at the images taken over the last three years I know life is good!  I may not have the perfect body, I may never have the perfect body but seriously, life is more than your shape or size.  It is the feeling you get when you run or lift or share good times with friends who are also commited to a healthy lifestyle. 

Time to let go of what is holding me back, I have definitely done my sentence and I still do not have any idea what crime I did that was so bad the sentence was almost life!  Because obesity is a life sentence if you do not try to change it.  Changing is hard but worth every second, every cent, everything to be the best version of yourself.

Time to be my own best friend.

On the come back trail

There is no surprise that my seventh round of 12wbt has been anything but successful.  Finding new and improved excuses, along with injury and pain and more injury, of course things were going to slide.  And when you feel things sliding what do you do?  OK well you probably do what I have done before and that is go back to basics but alas I was not in that frame of mind this time.  I buried my head in the sand and took chocolate and icecream with me.  Because if you are going to go backwards you should, in fact, do that in style.  If you are going to fail then be a perfect failure, no half measures.  And that, my friends, shows you just how screwed up I have become.  Add 5kg!

Well there are four weeks left to go of this round and, seriously, it is not over until it is over.  It is never too late.  I made a few desperate statements on facebook about where I thought I was at:

 1 April

Life is f@#ked! Just saying!

 

4 April

 

Balls to the whole weight loss thing. Three weeks in a row headed in the wrong direction……………..so excrutiatingly tired of it all.

 

7 April

 

I am starting again! From now that is. Disappointed in myself this round BUT Jason now has a job and I can finally start working out a real schedule for myself!  No worrying about the kilos I put on this round, working out how to loose them next time.  Making positive changes today, are you?

And then there was Easter Sunday, with a lot of chocolate eggs and my statement of how I was going to start ended up being a day later, when the chocolate has been demolished (mainly by me). 

Today.  No seriously, today is the day.  And how do I know?

1. Today I started to track my food again.

2. Today I did my mini milestone (2000m row and 10k walk/run).  This took more than a little courage and will power I promise because at the 5.3km make my hip gave way and I was struggling to find the slow down buttons on the treadmill.  I wanted to turn it off but I didn’t.  I nearly landed on the floor at the back but I didn’t AND I DID NOT GIVE INTO MYSELF!.  I dropped the speed and let myself recover and then I walked, jogged and sprinted to the end.  My final 500m was completed at 10km an hour and despite a everything I FINSIHED! I finished what I started and I did not give in to myself.  I shall not whinge that it took forever, I shall rejoice that I was able to do it.

So I must, therefore be on the way back. Yes?  OK well the scales will tell at some point, I am not holding my breath for this week.  Right now I just want to get back to my start weight and then I can smash up round 2 2012.  Yes I am signed up.

3. I worked out how to download 12wbt podcasts.  I have not actually listened to them this round.  I had excuses of course.  But you know what, I dont want to not have excuses, I just want to see them for what they are and move forward.  I dont want to be ‘cured’, I want to understand myself better so that I can be the best version of me.

I am getting there.

Another negative post!

Where to start, where to start.  Loosing weight should not be the roller coaster it has become for me.  I mean, life is full of ups and downs but, if controlling things makes me feel better, than why do I not control what I eat?  Or is in the not controlling my food intake actually controlling my non-weight loss?  OK, complicated, let me start again!

I am scared of failure.  My life feels like one failure after another.  Some successes of course but generally I have failed a lot and I have parents who happily pointed that bit out.  So I get counselling, and over the years, there has been a lot.  To stop my feelings of failure, which are the main cause of my depression, I have begun using a mantra.  “I am ok just the way I am.”  Since using it I have had far less depressive episodes BUT I have also eaten more, all sorts of things, stupidly and lots of it with little thought to the consequences and suddenly those feelings of failure surface particually with weigh in looming yet again and two weeks of weight gain under my belt (expanding one at this rate).  hmmmmmm.  If I am ok just the way I am then I can eat what I like?  OMG, I have gone mad in my old age.

To top off this stupidity, I watched biggest looser (that bit wasn’t stupid) and Margie ups and says words to the effect of “I was watching life happen around me and I wasn’t a part of it”.  That is how I feel right now.  I have stopped working out with others for a couple of reasons.  1 because I am gaining weight, 2 because I cannot do what I used to due to joint pain 3 I dont want to be around others.  Great hey, because now life, the good shit, is happening to others and I have been left behind.

Now I know that my friends will feel for me on reading this and worry about what is happening.  What I need it to COMMIT! and make it happen.  I need to ACCEPT invitations and make myself go.  I need to stop complaining about being overweight, weight gain and lack of motivation and start DOING SOMETHING to turn things around. 

There was a time I would have gone back to the pre-season tasks, refocusing and got back into it.  BUT these are not there in the morning when the alarm goes off!  They are not there when I roll over and cuddle up to my husband and worry about how he is doing and how much time I am not spending with him.

Because, with all good stories (and excuses) there is more.  My husband was made redundant 8 months ago and life in this house is under stress day after day.  The money is running out, who knows how much longer we have.  I find I have fallen back into old habits, grounded in fear, of what I have no idea but fear none the less.  I never thought it would get this hard.  When I lost my mum (died not lost really) I stopped loosing weight but I didn’t gain weight and I thought that was stressful at the time. 

I want to loose the weight I gained and a bit more.  I now need to loose 10kg instead of five.  How do you stop yourself from destroying all that you have done?  How do you overcome fear of failure without actually ensuring that you do fail?  How do you take responsibility for your weight loss when the rest of your world is spinning out of control.

EMOTIONAL EATING!  How do you take control of that?  How do you stop the chocolate (I dont crave it but when I see it I dont want to say no).  How do you say no to stuff you dont want to say no to, knowing that it wont make you feel better and doesn’t fill the hole.

So with the eating gone mad and rolling over to sleep rather than exercise it is no darn surprise that my weight is headed in the wrong direction.

Life is so darn tiring!!!!!!  It has thrown up even more opportunities for me to find yet new excuses.  The truth is I always feel better when I use ‘will power’ and ‘work out’.  I need to get my shit together.  One thing for sure is:

What I didn’t do, what I did do!

****Sigh****

It seems like it is the same story, or similar, always excuses, always worrying and now slipping into a black hole of “fatness” and “sadness”.  A big bloody black hole, and I am so darn tired of it all.  Trying to eat well but really not trying at all and, worse, not caring.  Trying to exercise but finding excuses where I didn’t even know they existed. 

So to that which I did not do that I wanted to do!  The GI Jane workout.  Yep, the alarm went off and I was awake and I laid there and it was all too much.  I couldn’t move, or wouldn’t move, or I just didn’t move.  I thought about moving which isn’t really exercising.  And then I convinced myself I would go to the gym,  When I finally got up, I got dressed in gym gear but I still did not make a move to the car.  I didn’t know what to do with myself, I didn’t want to go out!!!! 

Fuck it, I am so darn tired.  Depression makes me tired.  I remember as a kid the doctor thought I was anemic because all I did was sleep.  I was depressed then and I am depressed now.  I am struggling to keep things in perspective and I have lost my desire to exercise.  Of course, when I do I feel great, I just need to actually start.  And the 10 minute rule doesn’t work too well at the moment. 

If the 10 minute rule doesn’t work I was thinking how cool is Ute’s 6 minute work out.  Surely I could bloody find 6 minutes a day.  Day one was awesome!  Day two, three, four, five and six did not happen.  OMG, that is a lot of six minute workouts to catch up on.  And this from the girl struggling to move AND missing stuff I want to do.  Depression is fucked, just saying.   So the time has come to stop bloody making excuses and finding some damn excuse fixes!  I amy not have gone out today but I worked my arse off (no not really but my back hurts) and created myself a gym, of sorts.  All my weights, my boxing gear, my bag is hung again, my yoga mat, my yoga balls, skipping ropes, hoola hoops and my stretchy whatsit!  When the gym section was done I had a 1100 litre bin filled with about 12oo litres of rubbish.  A culling day!  Then, not finished and not satisfied I began work on the scrapbooking area.  Holy molly, more rubbish, more room, more vacumming, many more spiders biting the dust. 

Best part was having my family using the spaces I created even though it took me all bloody day!!!!!!  Later this afternoon I sat in my ‘tea’ garden and enjoyed the hours of work I had done in a serene setting in my garden. 

I didn’t get out, I didn’t work out, but now I have a place and no more excuses.  Or at least two more excuses gone, 1. not having a place and 2. not having a private place without interuption. 

Now to get the eating right again.  Still if I take one thing at a time, then I must take today as a win.  I worked, I made a gym, I spent time with my family, I have a lovely space downstairs that is functional and a heap of rubbish is gone.  Go me.

Lets start another week tomorrow and try just a little harder to get the exercise right, consistency being the key!!!!  No more damn excuses.

Mini milestones and other stuff

What an interesting weekend I have had!  On week four of the 12wbt there is the challenge to complete a mini milestone.  For me I chose to do a 10k run.  Yes I have done them before but I am still on my come trail to run again.  I haven’t run this far since September last year and, truthfully, I didn’t think it would ever be possible again.  This was indeed a milestone for me, I am on my way to the half marathon and maybe, just maybe, I will achieve this goal.  Yes, I have to run on a treadmill due to the knee and hips but running is running and I am not going to deminish my performance by comparing to my old self (without the dodgy knee) or with where others are at.  I was only 4mins over my best time which is not bad at all.  Ok so there was no hills, no toilet and I had to walk some but I am taking one day at a time and I am getting back there.  At very least I gave it a go and I didn’t give up until I got my distance.  I covered the display on the tready so that I couldn’t see the distance or time, it wasn’t about that, it was about finishing!

I was talking to another friend on Friday and we were talking about the weight number thingy that makes us a bit sad.  She was saying she had plateaued on the weight loss and I asked if she had measured herself!  No, she says, but my clothes are getting looser.  I say, all knowledge and stuff, go with your measurements and how you feel, ignore the weight number, it is just a number.

Say what??????  Did that come out of my mouth.  Second milestone moment recorded.  I finally am beginning to see I am more than a number on a scale.  Measuring myself for week four showed a 5cm lose from my waist.  Yeeehawww! 

I may have only lost 800grams in four weeks but in total I have lost 7cm and I am back to running covering a wonderful 10km.

Life is full of wins if you look.

Greatest Love of All

I am sitting at my computer (obviously) and listening the the radio as my daughter is about to star on talk back radio (tune in to 96five in Brisbane to hear her after 8pm).  Whitney Houston’s “greatest love of all” played for me and as I heard the lyrics I thought, hey thats about me.  Good music does that.  For instance:

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

And in my last post I talked about how my daughters life is changing due to my changes from 12wbt lessons.  All for the better.  This is important, we do need to “teach them well” and part of that is about nutrition and exercise or the next generation will be in serious trouble (anyone watched Wall.E?)

Everybody’s searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to

I want to be that for my kids!  The one they can look up to and that wont be the one who gives up, gives in, or looses the darn plot on what is important.

But the darn chorus speaks loud and clear:

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I still struggle to love myself but I do love myself to keep trying, to make myself healthier, to be the best version of me.  I think this is telling me not to compare!  Just to be me and if I love myself enough I will want the best for me, just like I want the best for the ones I love.  So, no matter what the injury I am handed out, there is no need to loose sight of what is important, we can adapt, we dont have to compare.

Music is supposed to that, take you some place, make you think, connect with you.  So people, in the words of the actual song writer “Find your strength in love”.  I think I am going to try a little harder to do just that. 

One day I will tell you about my tea garden!