I think it might be about loving yourself

I have some stuff to get of my chest tonight.  Today I went back to the doctor yet again to determine why I am falling apart at the seams.  With yet another questionaire I found out I am more depressed than this time last year and this is after medication and counselling and weight loss.  Where the hell am I going wrong?  And I wondered why I couldn’t work on my preseason tasks.  Seriously what has been holding me back.  And then tonight I write in response to if 12wbt is a group or individual event:

Well there you go! I have missed quite a bit of workout to support others because PiP (Pain in Paradise Bootcamp) became the place I did that. I loved supporting [newbies], it made me feel whole. As for paying it forward, I do that everyday to my kids and family and friends. I dont need to sign up to do that. So why do I sign up? Because despite all the posts, all the workouts, all the encouragement, I still get lost and feel like shit and wonder if I can do it. In signing up I force myself to face the stuff that holds me back. The stuff that keeps me going is helping others. I love that people recognise that initial bit of assistance because then everyone takes off and soars. I wonder if I will ever soar myself but if not, at least I saw you all do it and I was a part of that. Very cool. JFDI (Just Fucking Do It) is a vicious thing to say to someone else but a great motto to motivate yourself by. It is something I am glad I am reminded of.

And then there was the questionaire this morning which asked stuff like do I love myself and do I think I am attractive.  And the answer to both is NO.  I am 46, I dont feel sexy and, at my age, I dont think I am going to.  There is a lot of irony in that statement since I object so strongly to the use of the words ‘at your age’.  I do feel kind of screwed up.  Worse is that I know I do not love myself.  I like who I am but I dont love me, not enough to want my body to reflect the image I have dreamed up for it.  I look at others tummies, abs even, and I know that I want to have a smaller stomach.  I really really want that smaller tummy.  It was the reason I started, to get a waist line that wouldn’t kill me early.

Yesterday I posted the comment “If you are scared of failing do you bother trying?” on facebook and not a soul said a thing to see what the hell had brought that comment on.  With over 300 contacts I should have thought one might of cared.  I still am feeling like that.  I am scared to get started on 12wbt and am already sabotaging because I am scared of failing. 

I was talking to the kids about how they can stay a healthy size (we had been watching Biggest Loser) and one said ‘eat vegetables’ and one said ‘exercise’ and one said ‘love yourself’.  Well I eat vegetables, I exercise but I dont love myself, I dont feel like I deserve anything, I feel guility about just about everything and I eat a lot of chocolate!  It doesn’t make me feel better to eat chocolate, in fact I get quite a sick feeling but I do it because then I have an excuse not to succeed.

Depression sucks, not being able to find my way out of this hole is killing me.  Now that I have let this out it is time for me to truly look at my preseason tasks and get my head in the 12wbt game.  I can come back from here.

Its 2012!

It has been a while since I have blogged and as I read others massive year in reviews and/or goals for 2012 I am overwhelmed with potential.  Potential to set new goals and reach them, to look back on the year just gone and pat myself on the back/berate myself for goals achieved/opportunities lost.  But I am not one for looking back unless it is to self reflect and work out how to do things better. 

One thing I know is I CAN do things better. 

2012 needs to be the year I rejoice in my achievements.  Which means I need to achieve and I will! 

2012 needs to be the year I stopping worrying about how hard it is and find ways to make my life easier.  Solution focused!  There is no doubt that an unreformed chocoholic will struggle with weight loss but it is time I controled the demons and got more serious. 

2012 is the year of solution and achievement!

So what do I want to achieve:   

1. A stable weight of 70-72kg
2. A waist measurement 80cm or less (this one should be fun!)
3. A lean, muscular, toned body to be proud of!  Not to show off (that should be fun too)
4. A house/home to be proud off, clutter free and calming
5. Happiness in my family and home and work

Are these measurable?  Will I know if Ihave achieved it?  Absolutely.  I need to plan for this and work towards the goals.  They will not just happen because I want them to.

How will I do this:

1. Rejoin 12wbt and complete lean and strong program
2. Plan my menus and track my food intake and take it seriously
3. Plan my exercise and enjoy my Christmas present at Goodlife 
4. Cut my pepsi max intake to 2 per day (afternoon and evening) and enjoy my tea and coffee more.
5. Go back to flylady and let her help me get my home organised and livable like it used to be.  No more CHAOS (Cant Have Anyone Over Syndrome) for me
6. Use my to do list at home & work and enjoy ticking off my accomplishments
7. Be a more supportive wife and mother (ok this could be difficult and the most challenging but I am ready to try harder this year).
8. Be the best version of me no matter where I am!

Good goals : Good plan

Yes I can do this, I am already on my way.  And no they are not NY resolutions.  NY resolutions don’t last beyond the first week.  This is the way I want to live my life this year.  I want to be happier and the only way to do that is to put myself back “in the drivers seat” (Michelle Bridges) and enjoy the journey.

Whose with me?

My joy – counting my blessings, counting them twice!

Another challenge from the beautiful ShrinkingKath is to find my JOY!  She said to count my blessings and find the things I can give myself that is not food related but rather bring me happiness, or in this case joy.  What makes me feel joyous?

1. To find the time to ‘just be’ in a beautiful moment outside, on the beach, in the bush, in the yard.  Sitting still and being calm with the sounds of life/nature all around me.  I rarely take the time to ‘just be in a moment’, always rushing around, never relaxing into something that special moments in time.  I learnt that from an indigenous lady.  I needed to be ‘doing’ and she looked at me all calmly with such a beautiful demenour and she said ‘just be in the moment’, most wonderful thing anyone could say.  This is a real treat, to give this to myself.  I actaully got a few of this moments on Friday while spending time with family on a river and then later on their country property.  Awesome.  Toasty by a fire, listening to poetry thinking it was early but no it was nearly 10pm, holy cow!  ‘Just Be in the Moment’.

2. Reading a Terry Pratchett disc world novel, they make me smile and sometimes laugh out loud.  In fact, no matter how many times I read them I still love every page!

3. Being a mum, maybe this should come first but being a mum is a difficult yet rewarding job.  Sometimes it can be a bit scary but I tell you when my kids laugh, or share a moment with me, that is pure heaven.

4. Running and Swimming.  Not overly good at either but they are so relaxing and empowering all at the same time.  They do not go on for long enough but they go for as long as I can manage!  Heres to increasing my distances.

5. Scrapbooking was something I did all the time and I would get lost in colour and patterns and memories.  It has been a while which is sad but my priorities changed and exercise became my focus.  One day I hope to achieve some balance and go back to enjoying my craft.

6. There are other joys in my life, husband, brother, sister in law, nephews, cousins, life long friends.  There are so many people that have blessed my life and add value to my being.  Love them but I dont find them relaxing, sometimes though but maybe more thoughtful, unless we reminisce or whatever.  Pick your moments to ‘just be’ in!

I guess what I really need to do then, to be truly happy, is to slow down and stop stressing.  I miss a peaceful slow paced life.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism is, in psychology, is a belief that perfection can and should be attained. In its pathological form, perfectionism is a belief that work or output that is anything less than perfect is unacceptable.  Perfectionism might sound like an admirable trait, but it’s often a cause of anxiety, depression and ruptured relationships.  I can tell you it is really stressful to be a perfectionist and tiring.

I have to say it, I have an issue with perfectionism.  I avoid failure by avoiding doing, sadly my husband does too.  Ouch.

As I was mucking around with my friend Diet Schmiet dietschmiet.wordpress.com talking about getting control back and racing her to loose 1kg by Wednesday weigh in I was struck by the fact that that is two days away AND if I loose I will feel dreadful and want to drown my pain and if I win I will want to celebrate (more than likely with liquorice).  So if I cant do it properly, with injury and all, why bother at all.  And that is the cry of the perfectionist.  If I cant do it right why bother.  Things become unbearably overwhelming.  Loosing weight at this point is overwhelming as I have lost so much the last five kilos are so freaking hard I have gained weight so I do not sit in my last five kilos, should be easier.  What the fuck am I thinking.  Where the hell does that head space come from.

Now if you want to see a true procrastinating perfectionist come on over, the house is in CHAOS (as flylady says that is Cant Have Anyone Over Syndrome).   If you are having this problem due to your perfectionism go visit this clever lady at http://www.flylady.net/  She has helped me to realise, and here is a biggy, JUST JUMP IN WHERE YOU ARE, which is not exactly what we are supposed to do with weight loss but with both weight loss and perfectionism you do need to set up routines.  Exercise has to be part of the daily routine or it gets left out AND if you are truly to be organised you do need to plan those meals.  So, here is the thing perfectionism gets in the way, you stop giving things a go, you stop trying, you are too worried about what others will say or think and everything seems so hard.

Tips for the perfectionist:

1) Define a goal

2) Break it down to managable parts

3) Plan plan plan your day/week to complete each part.  Never take on more than you can chew (little bits at a time is better than nothing at all)

4) Give yourself permission to fail and recognise that sometimes there is no right or wrong.

5) Reflect on failure and success (at work I call this reflective practice and I help others go through the process because I see the value – for others!)

6) And if it is possible try to recognise the beauty in inperfection.  So many of us are not perfect but we are beautiful, some from the inside out.

Now you can put this strategy into any part of your life, weight loss, fitness levels, housecleaning, parenting, anything. 

OMG I love what I have come up with, I wonder if I can do it too?