Out of the Mouths of Babes

I have to share a special ‘oh my’ moment with you.  It was a bit of a shocker I must say.

I took my Miss 11 to the gym with me today as she had missed her swimming lesson so I thought she would enjoy a swim with me on my day off.  It was nice.  20+ laps for me and 5×20 squats, pushups, butterfly situps and reverse crunches.  It is a massive workout for me.  Miss 11 enjoyed having the pool mostly to herself and she practiced her arms and legs.

At the end, when we were sitting on the side we decided to do some fast kicking.  Miss 11 said “I cant, it hurts” and I replied “Dont say I cant, you are choosing not too”.  And then she did which was pretty cool and I felt like a great mum.

We sat on the edge and drank some water before getting out.  And I said to Miss 11 “I dont know why I bother because I cant loose the damn weight anyway” and she quickly replies “Dont say I cant, you are choosing not too”.  OMG, really?  Why did she have to be right and why did I have to be the one to give her those words?  It didn’t stop there.

Last night her dad had bought icecreams, oh yes back to that after promising it would stop.  There were heaps of them and when we got home I gave Miss 11 one and ate one myself.  Then we had lunch and then we had another icecream and Miss 11 says “Why are you wasting all your hard work from this morning?”  Seriously!  I mean seriously?!?!?  Who is raising this child?  Certainly not the obese person that was!  But definitely the one struggling with the flabby tummy and the last five – nine kilos.  My weight is so up and down between 74 and 79 kilos it is ridiculous.

I needed to share!  So just remember when you want to give up “Dont say I cant, you are choosing not too”.

Baby I was born to run!

Last night I ran for 30 minutes at 8k an hour.  I was happy, very happy.  Tonight I did a repeat performance at 9k an hour.  Oh baby it makes me feel good to run. 

My mantra as I pushed my body was “I can; I will!”  I can do it, I will do it!  I can run, I will run!  I can finish, I will finish!  And when that didn’t work I thought to myself “I am a 12wbter, I try, I do not give up, I do the best I can, I am being the best I can be”.  And when that wasn’t doing any good I thought “Michelle Bridges is my trainer and she expects my best” and then back to “I can; I will”. 

It is amazing what your body can do if you convince it that it can. 

Tonight, after I ran, I did a combat class and then I ran some more!  Well until I hurt my ankle which is a shame because I picked the treadmill option to make sure that I dont hurt myself.  Blah.  I am not young I guess and my joints are a little dodgy!

Nonetheless I think I was born to run but I have come about this knowledge so bloody late!  Bummer.  Just imagine if I had known I would love to run at a younger age!  How much different might my life have been.

My counsellor wants me to do activities that make me feel good.  Running does.  It really does.  She gave me a list of over a hundred things to choice from and I have to pick a couple.  You would think with so much choice I could find something I wanted to do that would make me happy.  Like all the things I used to do like craft and gardening.  Now everything seems like a chore and the thought of reading a book and/or relaxing stresses me BUT running doesn’t.

Being told I couldn’t run was bloody awful but having a doctor that would rather see me running and happy than miserable is a good thing.  Run Ruth he said and so I do.

The new do!

I have watched other 12wbters get a new do somewhere in their transformation.  I have always been a bit fearful of trying something new.  I had short hair afterall and just how short can you go.  Last year I was close to shaving the bloody lot off, inspired by BeeMee I was ready to go that way but with a wedding to attend not far away I didn’t go the whole way.

Then I had the whole stress thing going on with my hair falling out all over the place.  But things got better.

Tonight I was ready for the new me, the zany, the fun, the funky, the sexy new do.  I am so happy with this look it may last a while!

I am bringing sexy back for the short haired girls.  I love this look.  I heard a bloke at the hairdressers saying he needed balls to get his head shaved and then I turned around and showed him the shaved side.  Loved the look on his face but better was the smile on mine.

All he had seen was the longer side.

OMG people, this is so darn cute.  I love it.

So when you are ready and feeling more confident go to a hairdresser who has the vision to see what is possible.  I love this hair cut.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart Darlene, for seeing what was possible for me and being brave enough to make it a reality.

There may be a cure for chocolate addiction

It is 70% cocoa chocolate.  This is not the kind of chocolate you would eat a lot off.  Your mind is saying, yep chocolate but your taste buds are saying ‘dont you bloody dare’.  So chocolate fix may one day be a thing of the past but right now I am so proud of me.

I passed up the chocolate offering in the afternoon!  Felt good doing the passing up and staying strong on day 1 of round 1 12wbt.  I counted my calories to perfection today and came in at 1034 for the day.  I thought how lovely to have that herbal tea and piece of 12wbt approved chocie.  So I did.  I had enough calories up to enjoy it.  Enjoy it I did.  Slowly, savouring the chocolate taste.  It is bitter though and it has an after taste.  Where is that second cup of tea?

And for your education the 12wbt approved chocolate has more calories that the same 70% chocolate you can purchase at Aldi (if you are counting pennies as well like me).

I will keep you updated!

Internal Monologue!

Me: I dont need that turkish delight and I amnot going to buy it.

Self: huh????  It isn’t the start of 12wbt yet, you have two more sleeps, come on, eat it while you can.

Me: I dont need it, it wont help

Self: oh pul-leasssssssssssssse! YOu worked out today, you already burnt that bit of calorie off!

Me: thats true…ummm I do love turkish delight

Self: and you need to get it in before the start of 12wbt because when it starts, there is no turning back

Me: one wouldn’t hurt, Ok I will buy it but I dont have to eat it.

Self: huh, whateves.

Me: where is that turkish delight

Self: here!!!!!

Me: well just one bite, just one more, its not like I didn’t already work it off and 12wbt hasn’t started yet!

Anyone else talking themselves into things they know is not helpful and is a whole heap of self sabotaging?

I get home from the shopping and my husband, who loves me just the way I am, opens up two boxes of icecream.  I am horrified, get them out of my house before 12wbt starts.  So I feed eveyone two, including me.  Fuck!

Get Real!

I haven’t been getting real for quite a while.  I have eaten what I liked, exercised when I liked, done what I liked.  And there are times, when I am getting dressed, I look in the mirror and cant help myself but look side on and I am disgusted, it is not what I want for myself.  But do I change?  No! I complain that others have done what I CANT.  But I bloody can, I just dont. 

OMG people, this is damn hard work and not just for me but for everyone.  Everyone who has ever tried to loose weight, wheather they succeded or not, know how bloody hard it is.

Now dont answer this but why the bloody hell do I want it so bad but let myself be stuck?

I was thinking back to when I stopped smoking.  I had the will power!  I sucked icecubes to keep my mouth occupied and I crunched them too.  Whenever I felt like a smoke I would get a peice of ice.  And it worked.  It wasn’t even as hard as giving up ‘shit’ food.  You would think a nicotine addiction would be harder to kill than a stupid  sugar/carb addiction.  I smoked when I was stressed, I eat whenever!

I have no idea what my excuse is for not even trying anymore but I think it has something to do with not being disappointed when I fail.  Bloody perfectionism.

Friggin crazy!  Just saying. 

Now where are the icecube trays?

I have 9.5kilo to loose this round.  I didn’t used to have that much but now I do.  Here is to 70kg!

Seriously am over thinking (about everything)

In my line of work, analysis is the key.  In weight loss Michelle tells us not to get caught up with anaylsis because it stops us from just doing what we need to do.

I am a worrier!  I am a thinker!  I over analyse and then analyse again just in case I have missed something.

At the moment I have been thinking about my bloody excuses that I declared to the world in a recent post.  The one that is bothering me the most is “At this point, having lost so much weight I am probably going to fail anyway!”  I have realised that I have not got much further in this bloody weight loss mind set since September last year when I wrote about my perfectionism.  If anything I regressed.  With the added weight of depression I am giving up before I even get started.  And MAYBE I have to stop thinking about how long it takes and just try.  TRY people, dont give up JUST TRY!  It may have to be what you all say to me to boot me up the bum and keep going.

This morning a smart 12wbter posted this:

And I just know this was meant for me.  I have to at very least chose to TRY!

And I tell myself all sorts of things you know.  Like I talk myself in and out of loosing more weight.  Right at the moment I have decided that the waist measurement has to reduce.  Quite frankly the reason why I started this more than two years ago, I wanted to reduce my risk of heart desease and diabetes. 

You know, it doesn’t matter if the waist appears/diappears in the next round or the next three rounds.  I just have to keep trying.  I dont want to give up on myself just because there is a possibility I might not achieve ‘perfectionism’.  I am so darn hard on myself.

DONT GIVE UP, JUST TRY!  And dont deliberatly sabotage to prove yourself right.  Makes me want to scream and grunt and curse and cry.  I seriously am my own worst enemy sometimes.

And you thought the last five kilos were going to be easy!