Running

I think that my running directly affects my depression.  For example, when told I couldn’t run my depression intensified until I was on double the meds and almost inconsolable.  Then I was given permission to run.  I have now run 3 times.  First time I was worried and didn’t enjoy it, second time I was a little more confident and it was ok but the third time I ran for 2 hours, slowly, fast, walking, running, up hill but on a treadmill for 2 hours.  I really like it and in that last 5 minutes I ramped it up to 9k/hour, slow but steady and it was all there.  The muscles remembered!

Of course next day, today I am in agony.  My thighs and glutes are screaming as does my lower back.  I have walked like an old woman BUT I find myself smiling.  Just for nothing but the memory of running.  I even ran a blister on my toe but kept going.  Nothing stopped me.

I still dont feel confident to hit the pavement on my old running tracks, too scared to get so far and then not be able to get home so for now it is the treadmill. 

Can I say it is not my knee that is hurting me.  What I can also say is that running makes me smile.  I wish my body let me run everyday because that would make me very happy.

ahhhhhhhh, running!  It is a great medication, addiction. friend.

And can I just say that seeing the lovely Michelle Bridges and the rather lovely Commando Steve yesterday morning (Chermside Westfield for a book signing)  was definitely a bit of a rev up for me to keep going.  Michelle is so darn lovely.  I love that she shows such genuine warmth to people she knows are part of her 12wbt family.

Mood and Appetite

Well I was back to the research, this time it was why I mainly crave stuff in the afternoon and evening.  Was food affecting my mood or was mood affecting my food choice?

The afternoon ‘fix’ may be a habit for some but some studies have shown that serotonin (the happy bio-chemical in the brain) drops in the afternoon.  Resulting drop can cause grumpiness, irritability, impatience, fatigue, difficulty focusing, anger AND depression. 

Do I feel more depressed in the afternoon ~ why yes I do!  This could be because I exercise in the morning generally which aids in the production of serotonin.  Or it may not be.  But if I have exercise to look forward to in the afternoon the cravings are less.

Carbohydrates aid in the production of serotonin!  Ergo we crave carbs to build our supply of serotonin.  Or do we?  Further apparently protein prevents serotonin being made.  So much for that protein bar in the arvo with the hopes it will take away our craving for carbs.

And as luck would have it, carbs often come in the form of a low fat (high in sugar) muffin or some such other thing (a biscuit, a cracker) and we think all will be ok because it fell in our calorie count and that was a great thing  but alas, it has set us up for failure as we continue to want that same feeling of high later in the day.  You see it made us more focused, more happy, less depressed, more able to cope and that is something we are going to want to feel before the night is out, like just after the kids go to bed when you are tired.  But instead of having an early night we seek out yet more carbs.

For me the seeking is for sugar!  Chocolate, lollies, icecream!  No longer in my calorie count I am now racked by guilt and since I have ruined EVERYTHING it wont hurt to have one more (or eight).  Clearly this explains my eight museli bars the other night.  Perhaps museli bars are not as healthy as you think.  Just how much processed stuff is in there anyway?  And worse, how much sugar?

I set myself up to suceed or fail in the afternoon.  The afternoon snack has now become the key for me.  If I can get this right I may be able to succeed with the rest of the eating clean. 

For anyone doing the 12wbt program you can get a list of healthy snacks in the “more” tab later in the program when it gets in full swing. 

For those who cannot access 12wbt, I researched just a little more to find out what would be a suitable afternoon snack that would help meet the need for carbs but reduce the cravings later in the night.

SOLUTION:  apparently we will be needing to eat a snack containing approximately 30g of sugar OR starchy carbohydrate.  It needs to be low in fat.  If we have something that fits the bill it will produce serotonin in about 20-30minutes.  Time to have it would be between 3 and 3.30pm for the optimum time to stave off that drop in serotonin.

EXAMPLE:  I cup of breakfast cereal (sultana bran works), medium apple (has both sugar and carbs but obviously they are not processed so that is good), or popcorn.

It is important then, to remember, that carbs are NOT the enemy.  Foods laden in processed stuff that are laden in carbs ARE the enemy.  If you dont have carbs you will crave them and a diet with zero carbs is simply not sustainable because you need your serotonin.  Trust me, I have to have extra help to build my levels up, I definitely need serotonin.

It is important to not buy into the guilt, we do need carbs just low fat ones which have not been overly processed.

SOME TIPS:

1. eat/drink slowly, savour and ENJOY
2. do not let yourself get too hungry
3. drink lots of water
4. cinnamon, corriander and vinegar all help to reduce sweet cravings
5. try to relax

I was wondering how to make cinnamon popcorn!  Vinegar and/or corriander popcorn sounds repulsive.  Maybe this could be my experiment for later but if anyone does have a recipe do share.  Oh and let me know if it works for you.

Now after reading all of this, if you got this far, my suggestion is go have a camomile tea, do some relaxation exercises, slow down and find the food you had planned for your afternoon snack.

No straying from the course this round. Going to get it right this time.

On a personal note, I spent four rounds refusing to eat carbs after 3pm, my most successful rounds.  Then I eased up because my depression came back full force and it was not sustainable.  Now I crave them.  What I need to do is not deny myself but definitely to make smarter choices.  Do you?

We crave CHOCOLATE because it is TABOO

Is chocolate taboo?  It is the one food that when I have a little I want more.  In true investigative style I found a research article on the chemicals in chocolate that may (but probably dont because they are in small quanities) affect the brian bio chemicals.  There is no conclusive proof and if given the chemicals without the chocolate it does not have the same craving properties.

Then I read the following:

Debra Zellner, Ph.D., a psychologist and professor at Shippensburg University, believes women crave chocolate because they have turned it into a nutritional taboo. It tastes wonderful, but it’s sinful because it’s loaded with fat and calories. Women crave chocolate when they are feeling low or before their periods because they have told themselves it is something they cannot have. Zellner conducted a study comparing chocolate cravings in Spanish and American women. She found that Spanish women, who did not see chocolate as a forbidden food, craved chocolate less than American women did. Zellner attributes chocolate cravings entirely to psychological associations and believes the bioactive chemicals found in chocolate occur in too small of amounts to have a neurological impact (7).

Research investing both the physiological and psychological basis of chocolate cravings is pretty inconclusive. It is most likely a combination of both. If chocolate cravings were entirely physiological people would not eat chocolate for psychological reasons. Most researchers believe chocolate’s sensory qualities, chemicals, cultural values, social values and hormonal influences all play a role in chocolate cravings. It is the complete chocolate bar that people crave. Not one single chemical or quality can be solely responsible for satisfying a chocolate craving.

You can check out the whole article here: http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro01/web2/Slaughter.html

And actually I do think I have turned it into a ‘naughty’ food so when I fell naughty or guilty or sad or pissy I concole myself with something ‘naughty’.  And once I start I enhance my ‘naughty’ feelings and say “well I have had some now may as well eat it all”.  This is why the “I cannot stop at one” mentality is actually more damaging than the chocolate. 

I hereby give myself permission to eat one (1) chocolate bar a day if I so desire. 

As of today it is no longer a taboo food to deny myself but something to enjoy.  I will ensure I am aware of the calories and add them to my count.  If it makes me go over my 1200 calories per day then I will wear it as the decision I made as a “grown up”. 

I do not give myself permission to eat anymore than one chocolate bar a day.  That is just being petulant and childish!  I can do better than that. 

Excuses

As I have worked my way through each round of 12wbt I have come across and removed many Excuses that have held me back.  The reason I keep coming back though is because I know as I transform ME I find new excuses that are holding me back from the last part of this weight loss journey.

So publicly I say my Excuses are:

It isn’t going to work anymore. 
At this point, having lost so much weight I am probably going to fail anyway!
It is so hard now to make even the slightest difference.
Will loosing anymore weight really make me happier.
I enjoy chocolate, if it makes me happy why shouldn’t I eat it.

I have alleviated the excuses not to exercise!  I joined a gym so money and weather a no longer an issue.  I can fit the time in but it would be a darn sight easier if my husband got a job so that I could in fact figure out a routine for exercise.

I need to work out why I bloody cannot stop eating chocolate once I start.  Is it something in the chocolate or is it something in me?

Family. Work. Illness.

Now of course some of this I have greater control over than other stuff but here we go with some solutions:

I guess I wont know if it is goiing to work if I dont even try
Working hard is not going to kill me, it will make me shocker!
Loosing more weight will not make me sadder!
I can eat chocolate, I just cant eat so damn much.  Seriously do I have to gorge?

Stop thinking of myself as a failure

while there isn’t routines in this house I am going to Just Focus & Do It!

Find out what is in chocolate and start counting every calorie!

Menu plans a part of my life now

Routine and eat clean!  If I get these down pat I willl be able to achieve the weight loss I am still trying to work out if I want.

And so I am starting to work through the preseason tasks.  Excuses are what hold you back (from achieving anything in life really) and, even with solutions sometimes you still let your head take control and you slip back into ‘failure’ mode!

I wish I was further along than this.

I think it might be about loving yourself

I have some stuff to get of my chest tonight.  Today I went back to the doctor yet again to determine why I am falling apart at the seams.  With yet another questionaire I found out I am more depressed than this time last year and this is after medication and counselling and weight loss.  Where the hell am I going wrong?  And I wondered why I couldn’t work on my preseason tasks.  Seriously what has been holding me back.  And then tonight I write in response to if 12wbt is a group or individual event:

Well there you go! I have missed quite a bit of workout to support others because PiP (Pain in Paradise Bootcamp) became the place I did that. I loved supporting [newbies], it made me feel whole. As for paying it forward, I do that everyday to my kids and family and friends. I dont need to sign up to do that. So why do I sign up? Because despite all the posts, all the workouts, all the encouragement, I still get lost and feel like shit and wonder if I can do it. In signing up I force myself to face the stuff that holds me back. The stuff that keeps me going is helping others. I love that people recognise that initial bit of assistance because then everyone takes off and soars. I wonder if I will ever soar myself but if not, at least I saw you all do it and I was a part of that. Very cool. JFDI (Just Fucking Do It) is a vicious thing to say to someone else but a great motto to motivate yourself by. It is something I am glad I am reminded of.

And then there was the questionaire this morning which asked stuff like do I love myself and do I think I am attractive.  And the answer to both is NO.  I am 46, I dont feel sexy and, at my age, I dont think I am going to.  There is a lot of irony in that statement since I object so strongly to the use of the words ‘at your age’.  I do feel kind of screwed up.  Worse is that I know I do not love myself.  I like who I am but I dont love me, not enough to want my body to reflect the image I have dreamed up for it.  I look at others tummies, abs even, and I know that I want to have a smaller stomach.  I really really want that smaller tummy.  It was the reason I started, to get a waist line that wouldn’t kill me early.

Yesterday I posted the comment “If you are scared of failing do you bother trying?” on facebook and not a soul said a thing to see what the hell had brought that comment on.  With over 300 contacts I should have thought one might of cared.  I still am feeling like that.  I am scared to get started on 12wbt and am already sabotaging because I am scared of failing. 

I was talking to the kids about how they can stay a healthy size (we had been watching Biggest Loser) and one said ‘eat vegetables’ and one said ‘exercise’ and one said ‘love yourself’.  Well I eat vegetables, I exercise but I dont love myself, I dont feel like I deserve anything, I feel guility about just about everything and I eat a lot of chocolate!  It doesn’t make me feel better to eat chocolate, in fact I get quite a sick feeling but I do it because then I have an excuse not to succeed.

Depression sucks, not being able to find my way out of this hole is killing me.  Now that I have let this out it is time for me to truly look at my preseason tasks and get my head in the 12wbt game.  I can come back from here.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.  - Charles Dickens, A Talk of Two Cities

My darkness started a very long time ago, it was the time of depression, of misery, of sadness, of loneliness, of isolation and then to top it off I COULD NOT RUN!  Before I knew it my world had turned on end, 3 kilos crept back on and then a surge of emotions as my father in law was found to be sick, very sick, the big bloody “C”. 

I can be strong you know, I can almost hold it all together sometimes.  But yesterday I didn’t.  From the morning’s outset I was sad, tired, worried, stressed.  Earlier in the week my hair had started to fall out.  I realised that worrying about my father in law and worrying about my husband’s lack of job status and worrying about getting the kids back to school and worrying and worrying and worrying had increased my stress levels.  I was snappy, not sleeping and I lost stuff.  My head was in a spin before I got to yesterday.

I saw the doctor and he said lets do a few more tests and then lets talk about a possible increase in medication.  Now I know people that excercise helps with depression and I promise that I exercise like mad.  Thursday morning I walked my 5k averaging 6.7k/hr and, at times, walking at 8k an hour.  Would never have believed I could walk that fast but I have set myself a whopper of a goal and I intend to do it to the best of my ability.  I exercise regularly, my family insist and so does my body.  It keeps me on the edge of sanity, without it I would have long tipped right off the edge.

So then I decide maybe because I am so teary I just better not go in to work.  I just couldn’t face being nice, or professional for that matter.  I was overwhelmed with worry.  Sometimes I think I might be phycic considering how the rest of the day unfolded!

By lunch time we were being told that dad’s cancer was malignant and he was getting emergency surgery the next day (that is this afternoon people).  My stomach turns as I consider the logistics of this.  My weekend had been crammed packed with stuff for the kids, the family and a wee bit of me time in there too.  “…it was the season of Darkness” because everything had to be shifted, some had to be cancelled, we still had to think about how this effected the children and take time to work out how it affected us.  I dont want to say bad stuff here or about others because that is not how I roll but there was an element of yesterday that broke me completely.  I was crying, I couldn’t move, I slept and thought about excercise and slept some more because my body was drained of everything.  There was nothing left to give anyone.  I felt like “….it was the winter of despair”.

Now that brings me to the upside of my day!  Because it was also “…the spring of hope…”  You see whilst all this mess was happening inside of me, the doctor had said “RUN”. 

Doctor, my one that is, said I could run if I wanted to and that I wouldn’t make my knee worse. He is a runner (did Comrades) and he said he had seen an 88 year old man complete it in the time with arthritis and a heart condition. He said the doctor I saw hasn’t run in a very long time. He said you will know when to pull back but if you are walking at between 6-8k an hour there is no difference between that an a slow jog. And then he laughed, just run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, it was the best of times!!!!!!!

Crappy up and down day yesterday.  And, although my exercise is sparodic this weekend due to hospital stuff I can and will find time for a short run to see how I fair.  I need it.  I am wondering even if I can go very far because it has been months.  SNORT, C25K anyone?

Time to put my faith, hopes, fears, pain and happiness back where it belongs.  It does not help to drift too far away from the source of my strength.  That which will get me through.

Body Balance and other stuff

Well I have given pilates a go now and I have to say my hips were in excrutiating pain.  This is not because my muscles were being used but rather because I was laying on the floor on my side and my hips were angry with me.  I tried to work through it but then I had to put my foot down and my knee and ankle were expected to bend in a way that simply was not possible for me.  This is not to do with strength or fitness but with flexibility with joints that are arthritic.  Pilates does not work for me.

Following this I decided to try body balance.  I fricken loved it!  Just saying. 

I had done my walk and discovered I can now walk at 7.5km an hour, for a short while but when I dropped it back to 7km an hour it felt easier than ever before.  Walking is actually good fun.  You know when you run and run and think OMG I need to walk for a while?  The best part about walking is that when you slow down you are still walking.  Cool hey!

Then it was on to body combat.  The instructor was a little power housed dynamo.  I love her.  Seriously she was the type of woman other women would fall in love with.  Muscular, strong, funny…….it may sound odd as I am hetreosexual but I loved this lady and thought if I was gay I would like to take this lady home.  (Perhaps that is too much info but you know what I am human!)  She made me love body combat, I cant do the high intensity stuff but there is something about using your elbows to pretend to break someones nose that makes you feel good.  Just saying!

Anyway it was then on to body balance.  The lady was as strong as strong and flexible and gentle.  I liked it, it was a great contrast to the class before.  I found my body could in fact do all sorts of things.  It was liberating.  And my core strength is pretty darn amazing.  I reckon beneath the flabby skin and fat there is a six pack just waiting to be discovered.

All in all an 898 calorie burn for my nights work.  I had to get someone to check that becuase I thought the 9 must be a 3 but now.  What a great cal burn and what a great night I had at the gym.

So Tuesday nights people, 6.30 combat then 7.30 body balance at Goodlife!  Will I be seeing you there?

At any given moment

At the beginning of my seventh round of 12wbt (1st for 2012) I was reading a few blogs and the like and I was struck by an Islamic saying I found on Schmiet‘s latest blog post.

And whilst she reflected on weaknesses of flesh and bone (oh baby I have them too) I want to reflect on what saying means to me.  To me this is about choice.  This is about the ‘red’ me seeking control over the ‘blue’ me.  This is about the choices I make every day, good and bad, which do not have to reflect where the story ends.

I am six rounds in and about to start seven.  My story has not ended.  I have the power to continue the story and find my own ending when I am ready.  When I got injured I had the power to continue my journey.  It is my darn life after all.  I am in control, mainly thanks to the 12wbt.  I can choose my own destiny.  It is time to take stock of my story to date and plunge onwards to find the right end for me. 

My transformation is not complete, the story is not complete, the journey begins anew everyday as I battle lifes little surprises.  A sick father in law, a sick son, a redundant husband, a return to school for the children.  Life will always throw whammies, it is whether we use our power, our strength to move forward or not that makes the difference.

I am excited.  I am moving forward!  As I sit here typing this blog I know this is not how the story ends.  This is just the beginning of a brand new chapter of 12wbt.

Big Hairy Audacious Goal!

Last round I was plagued by injury until the final crunch, I was diagnosed with an arthritic knee.  My goals were no longer achievable in the current form.  I was devastated.  I put on a couple of kilo while I waited for my body to heal.  I really thought I would be running into my 90s.  Alas, this is not to be.  My goal to carry the weight I had lost was no longer achievable, my half marathon run not possible.  I was miserable.  Where to from here.

OK, well at the time I thought this was not going to be that bad.  I was trying to get excited about something else, a different goal, I was going to become a ‘walker’.  Oh yeah, sounds exciting doesn’t it.  What if I threw in a ‘marathon walker’, I mean why the bloody hell not.  I am not dead afterall, I just cant run.  It has taken a while for this to gel in my head.  A few things helped:

1. I met my long time 12wbt friends Karen and Susie who suggested just picking a few things to sign up to and concentrating on those. 
2. I am meeting up with these wonderful ladies along with our dear fellow 12wbt training buddy Kimberley and they will help me stay true to my goals.  Because that is what friends do.
3. I commited to not trying to ‘get to everything’ but concentrate on the most important part of this transformation – ME!  Not selfish just ready to finish transforming and I need to concentrate on me for that.
4. My family bought me a Christmas Present – a membership to Goodlife which allows me to adapt my training and concentrate on the ‘strong’ part of Lean and Strong.  The Lean part is going to have to come from clean eating.
5. I got stuck into my Cozi Calendar which allows me to put in everyones appointments including my gym times and it lets me do some meal planning.  It is very clever, it even has ‘to do’ lists.  If only the family would ‘to do’ them!
6. I looked for some ‘walks’ I could train for on the net today.
7. I understand that the gym classes I want to do may move around, I can make that work as needed, I understand that I need to get my weight training done at least 3 times a week on alternate days.
8. I sat down and worked out a training program/calendar and found out it is achievable. 

This so doable!  OK, so here it is.  I am accountable only to me.  I understand that I may have to compromise around family commitments but I just never ever give up.  Come the day of the big walk, the Bribie Island Bash, I am there, I am going for it.  Training or no training, no matter how good or bad I am, I am going to walk the beach for 30kilometres as quickly as I can.

Squeeeeee, whos with me?

My walking program – 30km!!
Weeks		Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun
		PILATES 7:30pm	ALTERNATING SLOW/FAST	YOGA 7:30pm	SPEED  WALK & ZUMBA 6:30pm	CYCLE 6:00am	AQUA 9:30am	SLOW FORM	Weekly km total
12WBT – week 1	16/01/2012		4		5			7	16
2	23/01/2012		5		6			9	20
3	30/01/2012		5		6			11
4	6/02/2012		5		6			12	23
5	13/02/2012		6		5			7	18
6	20/02/2012		6		6			9	21
7	27/02/2012		6		7			11	24
8	5/03/2012		6		7			13	26
9	12/03/2012		6		5			9	20
10	19/03/2012		6		7			11	24
11	26/03/2012		6		7			13	26
12	2/04/2012		6		7			15	28
13	9/04/2012		7		6			11	24
14	16/04/2012		7		8			13	28
15	23/04/2012		7		8			15	30
16	30/04/2012		7		8			17	32
17	7/05/2012		8		7			13	28
18	14/05/2012		8		9			15	32
19	21/05/2012		8		9			17	34
20	28/05/2012		8		9			19	36
21	4/06/2012		9		8			15	32
22	11/06/2012		9		10			17	36
23	18/06/2012		9		10			19	38
24	25/06/2012		9		10			21	40
25	2/07/2012		9		9			17	35
26	9/07/2012		10		10			19	39
27	16/07/2012		10		11			21	42
28	23/07/2012		10		11			23	44
25	30/07/2012		10		11			19	40
26	6/08/2012		10		11			21	42
27	13/08/2012		10		11			23	44
28	20/08/2012		10		11			25	46
29	27/08/2012		10		11			21	42
30	3/09/2012		10		11			23	44
31	10/09/2012		10		11			25	46
32	17/09/2012		10		11			27	48
33	24/09/2012		10		15			23	48
34	1/10/2012		10		17			25	52
35	8/10/2012		10		19			27	56
36	15/10/2012		10		10			29	49
Bribie Island Bash	22/10/2012		10		5			30	45

So you thought Aqua Aerobics was for wimps………………..

HAHAHAHA, it’s not!  Just saying. 

Here is what I learnt in my first ever Aqua Aerobics class this morning at the Christmas Present.

1. you may be wet but it is hot!
2. you may think you are strong but your body does not like fighting water with floating dumbbells.
3. if you are a floater you struggle to stay down and if you are a sinker you struggle to stay up.
4. try kicking madly at the edge for 30 seconds on 30 seconds off repeat and repeat again!  Friggin’ ouch to the thighs and buttocks.
5. old people, fat people and pregnant people show you up despite your fitness level (what the?????).
6. your entire body gets a work out.  Imagine the shock to my obliques when I asked them to do fish tails in the water. 
7. you move fast and then try to move faster (because aqua aerobics is for wimps) only to be told you can burn between 350 calories and 600 calories.  Who knew?
8. you have to be a bit coordinated and you can’t see yourself so your body and mind don’t necessarily gel (hoping this rectifies in time).

My tips for those willing to take up the Aqua Aerobics challenge:

1. wear sunscreen
2. wear a hat
3. wear sunnies  
4. get a pair of bathers that keep your boobs secure (mine were bouncing right out)!
5. Find a friend!  Thanks to my new 12wbt friend, Carolyn for encouraging me while I moaned and groaned and lived in shock of just how hard it is.
6. Try it again!

Oh I will be back.  Best darn whole of body workout I have in a while.  I started with weights and core before hitting the pool.  Worked the entire me.  Then I shopped for school books, groceries and ‘new bathers’.  I am now ready for a sleep.