Baby I was born to run!

Last night I ran for 30 minutes at 8k an hour.  I was happy, very happy.  Tonight I did a repeat performance at 9k an hour.  Oh baby it makes me feel good to run. 

My mantra as I pushed my body was “I can; I will!”  I can do it, I will do it!  I can run, I will run!  I can finish, I will finish!  And when that didn’t work I thought to myself “I am a 12wbter, I try, I do not give up, I do the best I can, I am being the best I can be”.  And when that wasn’t doing any good I thought “Michelle Bridges is my trainer and she expects my best” and then back to “I can; I will”. 

It is amazing what your body can do if you convince it that it can. 

Tonight, after I ran, I did a combat class and then I ran some more!  Well until I hurt my ankle which is a shame because I picked the treadmill option to make sure that I dont hurt myself.  Blah.  I am not young I guess and my joints are a little dodgy!

Nonetheless I think I was born to run but I have come about this knowledge so bloody late!  Bummer.  Just imagine if I had known I would love to run at a younger age!  How much different might my life have been.

My counsellor wants me to do activities that make me feel good.  Running does.  It really does.  She gave me a list of over a hundred things to choice from and I have to pick a couple.  You would think with so much choice I could find something I wanted to do that would make me happy.  Like all the things I used to do like craft and gardening.  Now everything seems like a chore and the thought of reading a book and/or relaxing stresses me BUT running doesn’t.

Being told I couldn’t run was bloody awful but having a doctor that would rather see me running and happy than miserable is a good thing.  Run Ruth he said and so I do.

The new do!

I have watched other 12wbters get a new do somewhere in their transformation.  I have always been a bit fearful of trying something new.  I had short hair afterall and just how short can you go.  Last year I was close to shaving the bloody lot off, inspired by BeeMee I was ready to go that way but with a wedding to attend not far away I didn’t go the whole way.

Then I had the whole stress thing going on with my hair falling out all over the place.  But things got better.

Tonight I was ready for the new me, the zany, the fun, the funky, the sexy new do.  I am so happy with this look it may last a while!

I am bringing sexy back for the short haired girls.  I love this look.  I heard a bloke at the hairdressers saying he needed balls to get his head shaved and then I turned around and showed him the shaved side.  Loved the look on his face but better was the smile on mine.

All he had seen was the longer side.

OMG people, this is so darn cute.  I love it.

So when you are ready and feeling more confident go to a hairdresser who has the vision to see what is possible.  I love this hair cut.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart Darlene, for seeing what was possible for me and being brave enough to make it a reality.

There may be a cure for chocolate addiction

It is 70% cocoa chocolate.  This is not the kind of chocolate you would eat a lot off.  Your mind is saying, yep chocolate but your taste buds are saying ‘dont you bloody dare’.  So chocolate fix may one day be a thing of the past but right now I am so proud of me.

I passed up the chocolate offering in the afternoon!  Felt good doing the passing up and staying strong on day 1 of round 1 12wbt.  I counted my calories to perfection today and came in at 1034 for the day.  I thought how lovely to have that herbal tea and piece of 12wbt approved chocie.  So I did.  I had enough calories up to enjoy it.  Enjoy it I did.  Slowly, savouring the chocolate taste.  It is bitter though and it has an after taste.  Where is that second cup of tea?

And for your education the 12wbt approved chocolate has more calories that the same 70% chocolate you can purchase at Aldi (if you are counting pennies as well like me).

I will keep you updated!

Internal Monologue!

Me: I dont need that turkish delight and I amnot going to buy it.

Self: huh????  It isn’t the start of 12wbt yet, you have two more sleeps, come on, eat it while you can.

Me: I dont need it, it wont help

Self: oh pul-leasssssssssssssse! YOu worked out today, you already burnt that bit of calorie off!

Me: thats true…ummm I do love turkish delight

Self: and you need to get it in before the start of 12wbt because when it starts, there is no turning back

Me: one wouldn’t hurt, Ok I will buy it but I dont have to eat it.

Self: huh, whateves.

Me: where is that turkish delight

Self: here!!!!!

Me: well just one bite, just one more, its not like I didn’t already work it off and 12wbt hasn’t started yet!

Anyone else talking themselves into things they know is not helpful and is a whole heap of self sabotaging?

I get home from the shopping and my husband, who loves me just the way I am, opens up two boxes of icecream.  I am horrified, get them out of my house before 12wbt starts.  So I feed eveyone two, including me.  Fuck!

Get Real!

I haven’t been getting real for quite a while.  I have eaten what I liked, exercised when I liked, done what I liked.  And there are times, when I am getting dressed, I look in the mirror and cant help myself but look side on and I am disgusted, it is not what I want for myself.  But do I change?  No! I complain that others have done what I CANT.  But I bloody can, I just dont. 

OMG people, this is damn hard work and not just for me but for everyone.  Everyone who has ever tried to loose weight, wheather they succeded or not, know how bloody hard it is.

Now dont answer this but why the bloody hell do I want it so bad but let myself be stuck?

I was thinking back to when I stopped smoking.  I had the will power!  I sucked icecubes to keep my mouth occupied and I crunched them too.  Whenever I felt like a smoke I would get a peice of ice.  And it worked.  It wasn’t even as hard as giving up ‘shit’ food.  You would think a nicotine addiction would be harder to kill than a stupid  sugar/carb addiction.  I smoked when I was stressed, I eat whenever!

I have no idea what my excuse is for not even trying anymore but I think it has something to do with not being disappointed when I fail.  Bloody perfectionism.

Friggin crazy!  Just saying. 

Now where are the icecube trays?

I have 9.5kilo to loose this round.  I didn’t used to have that much but now I do.  Here is to 70kg!

Seriously am over thinking (about everything)

In my line of work, analysis is the key.  In weight loss Michelle tells us not to get caught up with anaylsis because it stops us from just doing what we need to do.

I am a worrier!  I am a thinker!  I over analyse and then analyse again just in case I have missed something.

At the moment I have been thinking about my bloody excuses that I declared to the world in a recent post.  The one that is bothering me the most is “At this point, having lost so much weight I am probably going to fail anyway!”  I have realised that I have not got much further in this bloody weight loss mind set since September last year when I wrote about my perfectionism.  If anything I regressed.  With the added weight of depression I am giving up before I even get started.  And MAYBE I have to stop thinking about how long it takes and just try.  TRY people, dont give up JUST TRY!  It may have to be what you all say to me to boot me up the bum and keep going.

This morning a smart 12wbter posted this:

And I just know this was meant for me.  I have to at very least chose to TRY!

And I tell myself all sorts of things you know.  Like I talk myself in and out of loosing more weight.  Right at the moment I have decided that the waist measurement has to reduce.  Quite frankly the reason why I started this more than two years ago, I wanted to reduce my risk of heart desease and diabetes. 

You know, it doesn’t matter if the waist appears/diappears in the next round or the next three rounds.  I just have to keep trying.  I dont want to give up on myself just because there is a possibility I might not achieve ‘perfectionism’.  I am so darn hard on myself.

DONT GIVE UP, JUST TRY!  And dont deliberatly sabotage to prove yourself right.  Makes me want to scream and grunt and curse and cry.  I seriously am my own worst enemy sometimes.

And you thought the last five kilos were going to be easy!

Running

I think that my running directly affects my depression.  For example, when told I couldn’t run my depression intensified until I was on double the meds and almost inconsolable.  Then I was given permission to run.  I have now run 3 times.  First time I was worried and didn’t enjoy it, second time I was a little more confident and it was ok but the third time I ran for 2 hours, slowly, fast, walking, running, up hill but on a treadmill for 2 hours.  I really like it and in that last 5 minutes I ramped it up to 9k/hour, slow but steady and it was all there.  The muscles remembered!

Of course next day, today I am in agony.  My thighs and glutes are screaming as does my lower back.  I have walked like an old woman BUT I find myself smiling.  Just for nothing but the memory of running.  I even ran a blister on my toe but kept going.  Nothing stopped me.

I still dont feel confident to hit the pavement on my old running tracks, too scared to get so far and then not be able to get home so for now it is the treadmill. 

Can I say it is not my knee that is hurting me.  What I can also say is that running makes me smile.  I wish my body let me run everyday because that would make me very happy.

ahhhhhhhh, running!  It is a great medication, addiction. friend.

And can I just say that seeing the lovely Michelle Bridges and the rather lovely Commando Steve yesterday morning (Chermside Westfield for a book signing)  was definitely a bit of a rev up for me to keep going.  Michelle is so darn lovely.  I love that she shows such genuine warmth to people she knows are part of her 12wbt family.

Mood and Appetite

Well I was back to the research, this time it was why I mainly crave stuff in the afternoon and evening.  Was food affecting my mood or was mood affecting my food choice?

The afternoon ‘fix’ may be a habit for some but some studies have shown that serotonin (the happy bio-chemical in the brain) drops in the afternoon.  Resulting drop can cause grumpiness, irritability, impatience, fatigue, difficulty focusing, anger AND depression. 

Do I feel more depressed in the afternoon ~ why yes I do!  This could be because I exercise in the morning generally which aids in the production of serotonin.  Or it may not be.  But if I have exercise to look forward to in the afternoon the cravings are less.

Carbohydrates aid in the production of serotonin!  Ergo we crave carbs to build our supply of serotonin.  Or do we?  Further apparently protein prevents serotonin being made.  So much for that protein bar in the arvo with the hopes it will take away our craving for carbs.

And as luck would have it, carbs often come in the form of a low fat (high in sugar) muffin or some such other thing (a biscuit, a cracker) and we think all will be ok because it fell in our calorie count and that was a great thing  but alas, it has set us up for failure as we continue to want that same feeling of high later in the day.  You see it made us more focused, more happy, less depressed, more able to cope and that is something we are going to want to feel before the night is out, like just after the kids go to bed when you are tired.  But instead of having an early night we seek out yet more carbs.

For me the seeking is for sugar!  Chocolate, lollies, icecream!  No longer in my calorie count I am now racked by guilt and since I have ruined EVERYTHING it wont hurt to have one more (or eight).  Clearly this explains my eight museli bars the other night.  Perhaps museli bars are not as healthy as you think.  Just how much processed stuff is in there anyway?  And worse, how much sugar?

I set myself up to suceed or fail in the afternoon.  The afternoon snack has now become the key for me.  If I can get this right I may be able to succeed with the rest of the eating clean. 

For anyone doing the 12wbt program you can get a list of healthy snacks in the “more” tab later in the program when it gets in full swing. 

For those who cannot access 12wbt, I researched just a little more to find out what would be a suitable afternoon snack that would help meet the need for carbs but reduce the cravings later in the night.

SOLUTION:  apparently we will be needing to eat a snack containing approximately 30g of sugar OR starchy carbohydrate.  It needs to be low in fat.  If we have something that fits the bill it will produce serotonin in about 20-30minutes.  Time to have it would be between 3 and 3.30pm for the optimum time to stave off that drop in serotonin.

EXAMPLE:  I cup of breakfast cereal (sultana bran works), medium apple (has both sugar and carbs but obviously they are not processed so that is good), or popcorn.

It is important then, to remember, that carbs are NOT the enemy.  Foods laden in processed stuff that are laden in carbs ARE the enemy.  If you dont have carbs you will crave them and a diet with zero carbs is simply not sustainable because you need your serotonin.  Trust me, I have to have extra help to build my levels up, I definitely need serotonin.

It is important to not buy into the guilt, we do need carbs just low fat ones which have not been overly processed.

SOME TIPS:

1. eat/drink slowly, savour and ENJOY
2. do not let yourself get too hungry
3. drink lots of water
4. cinnamon, corriander and vinegar all help to reduce sweet cravings
5. try to relax

I was wondering how to make cinnamon popcorn!  Vinegar and/or corriander popcorn sounds repulsive.  Maybe this could be my experiment for later but if anyone does have a recipe do share.  Oh and let me know if it works for you.

Now after reading all of this, if you got this far, my suggestion is go have a camomile tea, do some relaxation exercises, slow down and find the food you had planned for your afternoon snack.

No straying from the course this round. Going to get it right this time.

On a personal note, I spent four rounds refusing to eat carbs after 3pm, my most successful rounds.  Then I eased up because my depression came back full force and it was not sustainable.  Now I crave them.  What I need to do is not deny myself but definitely to make smarter choices.  Do you?

We crave CHOCOLATE because it is TABOO

Is chocolate taboo?  It is the one food that when I have a little I want more.  In true investigative style I found a research article on the chemicals in chocolate that may (but probably dont because they are in small quanities) affect the brian bio chemicals.  There is no conclusive proof and if given the chemicals without the chocolate it does not have the same craving properties.

Then I read the following:

Debra Zellner, Ph.D., a psychologist and professor at Shippensburg University, believes women crave chocolate because they have turned it into a nutritional taboo. It tastes wonderful, but it’s sinful because it’s loaded with fat and calories. Women crave chocolate when they are feeling low or before their periods because they have told themselves it is something they cannot have. Zellner conducted a study comparing chocolate cravings in Spanish and American women. She found that Spanish women, who did not see chocolate as a forbidden food, craved chocolate less than American women did. Zellner attributes chocolate cravings entirely to psychological associations and believes the bioactive chemicals found in chocolate occur in too small of amounts to have a neurological impact (7).

Research investing both the physiological and psychological basis of chocolate cravings is pretty inconclusive. It is most likely a combination of both. If chocolate cravings were entirely physiological people would not eat chocolate for psychological reasons. Most researchers believe chocolate’s sensory qualities, chemicals, cultural values, social values and hormonal influences all play a role in chocolate cravings. It is the complete chocolate bar that people crave. Not one single chemical or quality can be solely responsible for satisfying a chocolate craving.

You can check out the whole article here: http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro01/web2/Slaughter.html

And actually I do think I have turned it into a ‘naughty’ food so when I fell naughty or guilty or sad or pissy I concole myself with something ‘naughty’.  And once I start I enhance my ‘naughty’ feelings and say “well I have had some now may as well eat it all”.  This is why the “I cannot stop at one” mentality is actually more damaging than the chocolate. 

I hereby give myself permission to eat one (1) chocolate bar a day if I so desire. 

As of today it is no longer a taboo food to deny myself but something to enjoy.  I will ensure I am aware of the calories and add them to my count.  If it makes me go over my 1200 calories per day then I will wear it as the decision I made as a “grown up”. 

I do not give myself permission to eat anymore than one chocolate bar a day.  That is just being petulant and childish!  I can do better than that. 

Excuses

As I have worked my way through each round of 12wbt I have come across and removed many Excuses that have held me back.  The reason I keep coming back though is because I know as I transform ME I find new excuses that are holding me back from the last part of this weight loss journey.

So publicly I say my Excuses are:

It isn’t going to work anymore. 
At this point, having lost so much weight I am probably going to fail anyway!
It is so hard now to make even the slightest difference.
Will loosing anymore weight really make me happier.
I enjoy chocolate, if it makes me happy why shouldn’t I eat it.

I have alleviated the excuses not to exercise!  I joined a gym so money and weather a no longer an issue.  I can fit the time in but it would be a darn sight easier if my husband got a job so that I could in fact figure out a routine for exercise.

I need to work out why I bloody cannot stop eating chocolate once I start.  Is it something in the chocolate or is it something in me?

Family. Work. Illness.

Now of course some of this I have greater control over than other stuff but here we go with some solutions:

I guess I wont know if it is goiing to work if I dont even try
Working hard is not going to kill me, it will make me shocker!
Loosing more weight will not make me sadder!
I can eat chocolate, I just cant eat so damn much.  Seriously do I have to gorge?

Stop thinking of myself as a failure

while there isn’t routines in this house I am going to Just Focus & Do It!

Find out what is in chocolate and start counting every calorie!

Menu plans a part of my life now

Routine and eat clean!  If I get these down pat I willl be able to achieve the weight loss I am still trying to work out if I want.

And so I am starting to work through the preseason tasks.  Excuses are what hold you back (from achieving anything in life really) and, even with solutions sometimes you still let your head take control and you slip back into ‘failure’ mode!

I wish I was further along than this.